One Thing Overachievers Do Differently With Tough Feedback

Welcome to Mission Elite’s Official Newsletter

^{Mission Elite is an organization that has impacted World Champions and National Championship-producing teams to leading executives and groundbreaking companies. The author of this newsletter and CEO of Mission Elite, Raheel Manji, specialized in Executive Leadership at Harvard and High Performing Teams through Stanford, where he finished in the top 3 of his class. He is trained in Psychology of Performance and is a former 4X professional title holder, ITA National Summer Champion, and NCAA Sweet 16 coach.}

We Resist What We Need Most

I too can, at times, be quite uncoachable and defensive. That’s not good because I want suggestions, feedback, and criticism.

It's not that I am bad; in fact, the majority of the time, I am quite good at it. But there are certainly periods and circumstances where I'm not, and those instances, over the course of a career, add up.

This is an issue because we need to figure out the truth so we can navigate the world with it. And we don't figure out the truth by being defensive and without happily encouraging others to provide us with their honesty.

Personally, I have learned and taken so much from people’s critiques, even when I didn’t always want it. But I have likely missed out on improvement for not always creating a space where people felt that I wanted it.

Here’s something useful to know: One of the markers of psychological sanity is how many people in your life you have honest, unfiltered relationships with.

Where is This Coming From?

Over the past month, my brother has critiqued my approach at Mission Elite a couple of times and essentially stated how he thinks we can be way better.

For background, my brother is currently the Co-CEO of a 100+ staffed company that supports some of the largest brands in the world, an angel investor, and has sold two companies, one of which appeared on the hit TV show Dragon’s Den. He was named one of the top 30 under 30 developers in Canada by age 27, worked at Google, Facebook, Yelp, and Instagram in Silicon Valley, trained through the prestigious Y Combinator program, and finished in the top 1% at the University of Toronto.

I really should shut the f*** up and smile at every piece of advice he gives me, but sometimes, I forget and don’t. Instead of looking at it from the standpoint of his belief in our potential, I, at times, view it as him pointing out how much we are underperforming despite all our hard work. That’s not only not true but is also a very mentally weak response by me.

Reframing Critique

It's important to note one thing: when well-intentioned people provide you with feedback, we sometimes take it as them saying we suck, instead of realizing that what they are really saying is how much potential they believe we have inside us. That is such a compliment.

In fact, when I reflect, those who I say are killing it are actually those I believe don't have much more room to grow, while those I critique the hardest are the ones I think have the most inside of them. If you view it this way, critiques should make you so happy—if the ability to be more than you currently are is what you want.

Rid Defensiveness

My interactions with my brother is not the first time I’ve defended my current approach instead of listening deeply.

I used to do it at times during my playing career with Pierre Lamarche, a coaching legend, Canadian Hall of Famer, Olympic Team Canada leader, and CEO of All Canadian. Sometimes it frustrated him so much, he would just cuss and walk out on me.

I also did it at times at Indiana under Head Coach Jeremy Wurtzman, who was #1 in the NCAA, an Ohio State Hall of Famer, had wins over former World #1 Andy Roddick and former World #7 Mardy Fish, and coached National Championship teams.

In fact, one day, while Coach Wurtzman was working on my serve and I was being stubborn, I remember him saying, “Yeah, what do I know? It’s not like I was #1 in the NCAA or anything.”

That sharpened me up immediately but was very uncommon for him to say—perhaps the only time I ever heard him even come close to speaking about his accomplishments. For him to say that, being perhaps the most humble legend I know, said a lot about my lack of coachability in that moment.

He was right. Why would I not open my ears fully, and at all times, to someone who had done exactly what I was trying to do?

I know what you’re thinking: “Is this guy stupid? He should have been thanking these guys endlessly for sharing their thoughts and knowledge with him.” To that, you are right. I should have been. There are certainly times in my life where I have been stupid.

The Cost of Resistance

The issue is that if one continues to not receive suggestions or criticism well, people will stop giving it to them.

Nobody, including myself, wants to provide feedback to someone who is just going to defend their previous positions or argue.

I know firsthand, from any staff or clients I have worked with over the years, that when they responded to my suggestions or coaching like this, I deemed them uncoachable and eventually stopped. I also lost a lot of respect for them, and it hurt our relationship.

The Value of Openness

On the other hand, I love those who I have been able to critique hard over the years who took my feedback without defense, and I poured more and more support into them.

They didn’t even always take my advice—that’s what was so interesting. Essentially, they got the benefit of all my knowledge while getting to choose whether to take it or leave it.

Practicing What I Preach

When I don’t act in the appropriate manner, it’s very hypocritical, because I literally preach this to everyone under my leadership all the time. That is an ode to the fact that leaders, too, always need to be evaluating their own behaviors.

During the course of my career, I learned on a very deep level that the best thing to do when you are trying to tell someone something and they’re not listening is to stop telling them things.

I believe in this so much that I actually tell those under my leadership this: if you don’t listen, we’ll stop telling you. So, I am not proud to admit that I, at times, also fall short in this aspect.

A Lesson From Writing My Book

I realized this truth in a more profound sense while writing my book 17 Principles of a Mission Elite.

In fact, I became very conscious of it during that period, and it motivated me to call a bunch of my mentors and say this: “Can you do me a favour? Can you tell me everything wrong with me, with no filter and without worrying about my feelings?”

They did, and I responded with openness and gratitude. When I did that, I gained priceless feedback, felt it actually improved our relationships, and they respected me greatly for it.

However, I was very conscious of how I wanted to respond in these moments. It’s when we become unconscious that we sometimes fall into old and unhelpful ways.

The Power of Practice

This is what happened to me during the two times this month with my brother. But here is something to know: if, when you fall into unconscious habits, you act in a manner you are unhappy with, it just means that you have not practiced the manner in which you do want to respond, consciously, often enough.

It’s like tying your shoes—if you practice it consciously enough, eventually you can do it unconsciously.

Why I’m Writing This

I am writing this to emphasize, first, to myself, that this is an area that needs to be urgently and often practiced to the point where the correct response to critique becomes unconscious, while simultaneously hoping that there are others out there who might read this, resonate, and find the lesson valuable.

Key Takeaways

When we receive feedback and criticism and defend our previous position, we may convince the other party that we are right and save face. But likely, we will just make them never want to provide a critique to us again because of the resistance they are met with.

This means the consequence of our actions is that we miss out on future feedback where they might be right, and we could improve from it.

If we receive feedback and criticism without defense and instead with gratitude, the consequence is that they learn we may not know everything—which they likely already think—but we will have a better and more honest relationship because they feel that we are a safe space to receive their truth. They will likely have warmer feelings towards us and be more inclined to keep providing their advice and truth, which might allow us to improve, if not immediately, then at some point.

A Final Thought

The funny thing is, when they give advice, we don’t even need to use it. So the only positive to resisting their critique is protecting our ego—which is not a positive.

Even from a psychological standpoint, it’s technically true that in order to become the master, you must first play the fool. That necessitates a riddance of ego if you want to continue to improve and is always the case.

Stay Connected with Mission Elite

For more on high performance, mindset, and success, follow us on Instagram at Mission Elite Performance and Mission Elite Mentality.

Visit www.missioneliteperformance.com for resources.

Interested in working with us? Contact [email protected].

Sincerely,
Raheel Manji
CEO, Mission Elite